Welcome to our helpline
Welcome to our helpline
You are now in a queue
And as it might take quite a while
Find something else to do

Just now we are in high demand
There’ll be a long delay
You may want to consider
Calling back another day

Thank you so much for holding
We’re off for lunch at noon
So nowt will happen for an hour
We won’t be with you soon

We know you’ve waited ages
We hope you will persist
Good News! You are the next in line
Please choose now from this list

Pick ‘1’ to speak to Sales
Or ‘2’ for Tech Support
‘3’ will get you to Accounts
For other help, press ‘nought’

Now though you’ve tapped a digit
Which was the thing to do
We’ve got some software issues
So we can’t put you through

You could try touching ‘asterisk’
Or even ‘ampersand’
We’re sorry for the hassle
It’s not quite the way we planned

Oh dear! You’ve pressed a ‘7’
That’s not the thing to do
Our system’s started to shut down
And it’s all down to you

Oh why did you choose number ‘8’?
That set off an alarm
So we’re now in the car park
You’ve caused no end of harm

What sort of person hits three ‘9’s?
Suppose you felt you must
Now no-one’s able to get through
Our company’s gone bust

Welcome to our helpline
We’re sorry to report
You won’t now get your order
And it’s really all your fault

© 2011 Philip Barnett